I am quite afraid of being less keen than my lover when I listen to our favorite songs to enjoy whilst lounging in his flat, and to be called dead to rights on my snobbery in my choice of beats when I summon Alexa to switch a song. There's a cultural chasm between my generation, him and the upstarts. I don't know which of us controls the music, video and social media now, and it's visibly shown on my face. No smileys underscore what my narrowed eyelids and cruel mouth tell.

After so many years of work and passion for the search, I found my Nemesis and my companion in the same person. His name won't be forgotten, if my writing perhaps has magical powers as I won't resist the urge to mention him.

Six years of us. The constant malady within our love is your ugly intolerance against my "special" way to view objects and situations, then to verbalise your opinion with horrible inferences and foul language aloud. It all terrifies you because I present myself quite like a horror made visual as a clown staring into you; you never know what to expect coming from my mouth, or expressing my need to touch you, to have your hand merge with mine in a bold and unafraid way.

Did you know that I once tried to end it all? That happened before you, in another state, without success. I survived that sadness, to aim forward into my life and yours. Never will I make you live through loss.

For such a short age span, I have been in love eight important times, all ended because of the disjointed rate at which my partners and I  grew into being so different from each other. And difficult. I should be proud to have lived through them, to have changed profoundly and still love my own company.

Yes, I certainly own my part in the lack of joy, the lack of sex, and the roughness between us. It's been a trigger to my most recent jagged thoughts, the ruminations and such guilt for us not being together right now. I will be better in my thoughts and spirit for me, but also for you, lover.

© Text: Orlando Barahona

© Image: istolethetv/Flickr

Creative Commons License This work by Orlando Barahona is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.