Lucius Bod | Rogue Diary - existentialist pain

man made of metal, man made of clocks, male metal sculpture

Just as I walked out of your atelier the clocks were set to twelve hours from now, and that is how long I have to live. No last words come to mind, yet I know at the Death of my consciousness my existence will prove me wrong. Have I been wrong?

1:00 A.M. - Prague. Gloria. Lucius. Closed bathroom. Fear! Pounding at the door. Tears. Frustration, frustration, frustration! Police! no more Father tonight... I am only five years old!

2:00 A.M. - Carlotta. Middle sister. So close. My hazel. Her brown. Lucy, the youngest. So poor, yet happy. Two parent's careers and only us this far.

3:00 A.M. - Luce, Lúz; Light. TV Baby. Five of us now. Two careers, several violent incidents tempered by love for proper behaviour.

4:00 A.M. - House, joy, schizophrenia, sadness; separation; rancour and loneliness.

5:00 A.M. - Watching the door. Carlotta, and her loves. Baby sister off to the judge! Mother so crazy! High school bullies and all who thought I was different.

6:00 A.M.- Mexican boy colleague, both of us outcasts. Not for long. Out of the house! You and your kind! Mama knew not where she went wrong. The seas. Worlds.

7:00 A.M.- College. Second lover. Both love and hatred so raw. Third lover. Svizzera. HIV. Neither he nor I knew.

8:00 A.M. - Tattered mentally. First signs of mental disease, then homelessness, kind strangers, mental healthcare,

9:00 A.M. - Adult thoughts. Living forever? Never! Suicide almost complete. Kind strangers and my guilt. I won't die today!

10:00 A.M. - New York. Pearl. The Lady Bunny. Club USA. Jackie Sixty in the Meatpacking District. Neal. Our hotel. Limelight, whilst existing at the church! Fashion. Bergdorf Goodman. Barney's. Saks Fifth Avenue. Two boys understanding American made mass practices to tag merchandise.

11:00 A.M - Robert, Richard and my most loved, Jimmy. Misunderstanding, alcohol, nude beach, deep inside, a monster - or two. Love and Hate are equals on the way to Hell. Time forgives nothing.

12:00 noon

Sarah and Susan. Susan's name was derived from the Egyptian Seshen=Lotus. No babies, please! Loss cannot be gauged by eyes and hands. Find the stone in your heart and throw it far away.

( This is a work in progress, so stay tuned for updates!)

This work by Orlando Barahona is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.